monster.
if i don’t fit in there, then where do i fit in?
i’ve never known comaraderie in any sense of the word before i’d met ashley. i have something to look forward to every day at school. i feel stupid, codependent, and desperate in saying that i’m only going to school because of her. because she gets me. because she’s who i wish i could be and, at the same time, the spectre of the person i used to be.
geez, i contradict myself so bad.
i want to fit in, i want to belong, i want to be acknowledged but these people… they’re so foreign to me. they genuinely have no interest in nothing other than themselves. they are pigs, animals, vulgar, and so far from human. i’ve only been greeted with rejection each time. i can only take so much more of it before i just give up - no, i have given up. i have no interest in pursuing relationships with those people. is it just a kentucky thing? a caucasian thing? an asian thing? a multiracial thing? .. or is it just me? i’m leaning towards the latter.
my father is absolutely cruel. i’m dysfunctional because of him. it isn’t my fault. i’ve known nothing other than racism and rejection. he ought to know better than that… bring a multiracial kid, to neither be accepted here nor there, and to try to pretend like everything is okay and i look just like everyone else. i don’t. we share no interests, no similarities, nothing.
.. but i just have to remind myself that i have something to look forward to. ashley, finishing school, going to university, reintegrating.
it feels like a lost cause. like i’ll never be normal. i was never normal to begin with. i can’t even look at myself as ember; i don’t even ignite. i’m barely noticeable and yet i stick out like a sore thumb.
fff, my life sucks so hard.
